It pays to live on the ground floor when the devil comes to call,
Then if he throws you out the window you won’t have far to fall.
So don’t rent the penthouse suite for weeks in order to avoid him,
Or pay the elevator boy to say that he employed him.
And never borrow any bodies else’s dental chart,
Or leave your broken promises outside the breakers yard.
And don’t sell your flesh in Thailand or in other holes around,
Or advise your undertaker where your twin brother may be found.
Be honest when he calls you up and hope he’s understanding,
Listen carefully and catalogue the things he is demanding.
Don’t enthuse about your finer points and never appear cerebral,
Engage him willingly all night but never as an equal.
Prepare a simple meal for two and offer him some water,
Be patient and be pleasant and inform him that he’s thought of.
Explore your inner feelings and recalculate the cost
Of all the things you’ve gained from him against what you have Lost.
Present him with the list you’ve made and don’t skimp on the
He may look lightly on your plight and realise you’ve failed.
For after all the years you purchased from his portfolio
You only have a few days left and nothing much to show.
And chests of drawers and wardrobe doors will never keep him
He’s calling for you this weekend and there really is no doubt,
That anything you bargained with will have to be coughed up
Or you’ll endure the aperture you’re settlement rebuffed.
And if the spirit calls on you in the visage of another,
Don’t be taken too far in, even if it is your lover,
For possession is a habit that has greatly multiplied;
Be generous with your laughter with the demon deep inside,
Regardless of the fact you know your partner is a Christian,
It’s still more apt, than not to be, Beelzebub within.
So take it on the whiskers and await the last performance,
And please don’t be distracting and invite them to a séance,
For there’s nothing quite as puerile as detecting evil spirits
Within the ones we know we love however counterfeit.
And if the weekend finishes, and you are still abroad,
Then hold your loved one closer than you ever held the Lord.